As parents we often want to have all the answers when our children ask us questions. We have a hard time saying "I don't know." We want to be an endless source of information and support the questions they come up with as they arrive. I mean, isn't that our job? Aren't we suppose to provide knowledge and truth to our children just as we provide them food, shelter and love? On some levels yes, we want to be an endless wealth of knowledge for our children. The truth is that is a tall order to fill and sometimes we just don't know.
Then day comes when we don't have the answer. We cannot answer the "Why?" question when it is asked. We have no clear explanation for another persons actions or behavior. We don't know the reason a child had a brain tumor and died at a young age. Not being able to answer these questions can make us feel inadequate.
We may be nervous, scared, confused or just flat out shocked at some of the information our very young children pick up on a daily bases. We begin to ask ourselves things like, "where did they hear that?" or "who told them?" or think things like "I can't believe they knew about that." and "I thought they were sleeping when we discussed that."
There have been many recent events in our world that children (of all ages) are asking about and parents do not have a clear answer to provide to them. So what do we do?
What do we, as parents or caregivers, do to maintain open communication while providing information we have in an age appropriate way that sometimes results in the response...
"I don't know"
First and foremost we listen. Even when we are completely shocked by what they are sharing. We listen to gain insight into their thoughts, feelings and questions. Often times we misinterpret what they are sharing and we need to carry on a discussion to get to the true meaning of their ideas or questions before we can even begin to decide how to respond.
We are all aware that the world has had some pretty devastating events in the past year. The media shares traumatic images/videos, the radio discusses current events without regard to the age of their listeners and adults are having conversations that children are overhearing. Do we really know what children are taking in from all of the sources in their lives? Furthermore, do we know how much of the information they are processing and how they are processing all of it?
Every child, regardless of their age, has seen or heard of events in one way or another. Some children take it all in and think it is a movie that isn't real. Other children see or hear things and cannot process if the event happened next door, in another city or state and believe it will happen in their home or school next.
For many children seeing or hearing traumatic news can cause changes in behavior or sleep patterns. If we remember back to the toddler years when a child beings to crawl, stand or walk they often times wake up several times a night standing in their crib not knowing how to get down. This is a clear example of processing your day in your sleep. As adults we can relate. We can have a dream or nightmare regarding something that happened or a movie we watched that very same day. Knowing this, we cannot ignore that young children may seem unaffected about world events when in reality they are like a sponge soaking it all in. We think they are playing with blocks or dolls as we watch the nightly news and oblivious to the words being spoken or the images on the screen until the questions arise, behavior changes or sleep is disrupted.
I have included a video of a book my son has been creating here. It appears to be very disturbing if you visually look at his drawings and have no other context. Especially the portions where there is death, tally marks for the number of days they have been in a stay at home order and a person with a gun knocking on the door. He has went on to finish this story and has started on part 2. A part of me wanted to stop him after the page where a man hung himself because he was sick of 2020. Then I realized that I need to allow him to express his thoughts and feelings on paper and I am glad I did. He continued his story and I had him explain each page as he made additions. As a parent, I sat and listened to him describe in very deep detail each and every page. It is powerful! (At some point I may share a video with his voice narrating the story, part one and part two.)
What I learned is that each and every page has been something he has seen or heard about. For example, we have seen buildings crumble to the ground or set on fire. We have had suicide in our community and death of some very close youth which we have discussed and prayed about. He did experience the stay at home orders. Although, we were not in a bunker during the stay at home order nor was the suicide a hanging this is his way of processing these events. We did not have someone knock on our door with a gun either. However, this is the first year they are staying home alone for distance learning and we talked about never answering the door. We never explained there could be gunman behind the door yet this is how he processed through everything and how he is taking in information. In addition, this is his story. That does not mean it is a nonfiction story just because portions of his story are events has has experienced. My son is an avid reader and has a passion for books. Who am I to tell him how to write a story and what events take place? Some of the best novels are based on a true story and then embellished with creativity and imagination.
NPR published this article, "What To Say to Kids When the News is Scary" on January 10, 2020. In this article there are big ideas to remember when children area exposed to scary news.
1. Limit their exposure to breaking news
2. Ask what they have heard or how they are feeling
3. Provide facts and context
4. Avoid labels
5. Allow children to process through play, art, drawing or telling a story
6. Look for the good, look for the helpers
7. Find ways to take positive action
As parents we may not know the way in which our child process events.
We may not have the answers to questions they ask.
We may misinterpret their play, stories, actions, behaviors or sleep regression.
We are not perfect.
We do not always have the answers.
We can provide a safe environment for our children to share deep thoughts. We can ask clarifying questions. We can listen to their descriptions and support the way they take in the world. We can allow for creativity, imagination and the reenacting of events in order for them to better understand.
All of these things are just as important, if not more important, than the food and shelter we provide for our children.
