Eat! Drink! Go Potty! Nap! Repeat!
As a parent we often feel our parenting skills are based on what our children eat and when, if they are toilet trained by X number of months old and their ability to sleep without struggle. Is this really a fair rating on our parenting ability? Personally, I do not believe that success or failure in these areas have anything to do with how you are as a parent. Before I loose you completely, let me explain.
As a parent it is your role and responsibility to provide structure around eating. You get to decide what is offered and when it will be offered. Your child gets to decide if they will eat and how much. What this means is that both parties are in control. I know, it is hard to imagine an infant or toddler controlling what they eat but we have all seen it. The toddler that closes their mouth and refused to open it. The infant that spits out the food that just entered by the airplane spoon racing around their face. A preschool child that pushes the plate away. To be fair we cannot forget the older child that states "I am not eating that" based on the looks alone. Sound familiar? I thought it might. If it doesn't sound familiar to you maybe this will. The child that states they are full, leaves the table and in less than five minutes asks for a snack. The child that throws him/herself on the floor because they want a cookie or fruit snacks since they are starving! The definition of starving here isn't because there isn't food in the house, this definition of starving= they don't want what you are offering and they will DIE if you don't give them what they WANT to eat.
This does not mean that you need to become a short order cook, unless that is your jam. If so, go for it. I myself cannot make 4 different meals for dinner. So what are my options? The options we have as parents (of any age children) is to provide a schedule and routine around meals and snacks. As adults we can decide what to purchase at the store and have available in our homes. We also get to decide what time meals and snacks are offered and the food items presented. The children get to decide what they are placing in their mouths and how much they plan to eat before they are finished. In writing this seems simple. In real life, we know that food can become a power struggle. If we can keep in the back of our heads that we decide what is offered and when, they decide if they eat and how much it might allow us to disengage in a power struggle. Next time a child is screaming for a pack of fruit snacks you might try giving a choice "you can have a string cheese or banana, which would you like?"
How does the strategy of offering a time and a place work when toilet training a child? One of the questions I like to ask parents is this, are you toilet trained or is your child? This often creates discussion that will allow for reflection and planning.
For a child to become toilet trained they need several skills in place. It is not only about the child being able to void bodily fluids it also involves brain development, body awareness, motor skills and social skills.
Let's break it down.
A child's brain needs to first recognize the feeling their bladder or bowel has not only when they are going but also prior to going. This means that a child must feel the urge and then stop their body from going while leaving any activity they are engaged in (personal social skills) to find the nearest adult or bathroom. After a child decides they need to use the bathroom, has left their activity and found either an adult or a bathroom the motor skills kick in. The child will need to have the motor skills to undress. This may include zippers, snaps or buttons. They also need to have the ability to climb on the toilet and balance or stand next to the toilet and climb on a stool if they are not tall enough to reach. Once the child is on the toilet they need to balance (unless they have access to a child size toilet) and trust they will not fall in. This is where a stool for their feet can help significantly. Finally the child then needs to have the brain and body connection to allow their bladder or bowels to void. Think of the time, energy and child development that takes place in this extremely short amount of time. It is exhausting just typing it all out, imagine how this very young child is feeling. The sad part is we aren't even close to being done! What?! It is true. Now the child has to figure out how to get toilet paper (if needed) while still balancing on the toilet and then how they are going to reach with one hand while holding on with the other to wipe themselves. Is this even possible? While sure it is, with time, practice and adult assistance until successful. After wiping they need to get off of the toilet, flush the toilet, use all their motor skills to redress themselves, move the stool to the sink and then enter the sequence of washing their hands.
Considering the process of toileting and all that is involved we, as the adults, need to slow down and really analyze the situation. Is the child (and the adult) ready to being this process. Of course, like all aspects of child development there is room for support, modeling, teaching and breaking down the steps. We do not expect a child to go from diapers to full success in toilet training overnight. The steps listed above are there to analyze and see which areas your child can have independent success and which areas they may need support to be successful. This brings us back to the question asked earlier, is the child toilet trained or the parent. If the parents is setting a timer for the child to try every thirty to sixty minutes and doing each of the steps above without child engagement, the parent is toilet trained. If the child is engaging in several of the steps listed above the parent and child are in the process of toileting. If the child is able to complete each and every step listed above independently, the child is fully toilet trained.
Many struggles surrounding toilet training happen when power struggles enter toilet training. If we go back to the beginning when we were talking about food the same concept applies. The parent can decide when to offer toileting opportunities when exploring toileting, the child will decide if they will go when the opportunity is presented. It is helpful to recognize the areas of child development that may be preventing them from going at any given moment. For example, the refusal may begin when they don't want to leave an activity they are engaged in (personal social), the refusal may happen when they are unable to undress themselves (motor) or it can take place when they are sitting on the toilet (brain and body awareness). Each of these examples are reasons why children cannot or will not void when asked. Continuing to provide opportunities, support and modeling while preventing power struggles is the key to a successful path in toilet training young children. As the adult is is our role to support the child in the areas they need support in while avoiding threats, punishment and arguments. If we stop to consider all that is involved and their age we can see it isn't about a 2 minute run to the toilet. There are multiple components involved that we need to be aware of and support.
Sleep! Sleep is so hard. Just mentioning the word nap or bedtime can bring up a whole slew of emotions both in a child and the adult. There is one key to sleep that is worth mentioning several times, routine, routine, routine and routine. Young children thrive on consistency and routine. This does not mean that a child will sleep or sleep through the night. It only means that routine and consistency will help support the process. As parents we are able to choose a bedtime for our child. We can choose the time they will be placed in their crib, bed or your bed if you co-sleep and we are able to decide on what that routine looks like. The child will decide if they close their eyes and sleep. Simple. We cannot close their eyes for them or tell their body to sleep. I mean, we can tell them but we cannot force their body to sleep and lets face it neither can the child. They can learn techniques to wind down and calm but they cannot force their body to fall asleep. As adults we can engage in power struggles saying things like "go to sleep" or "it is time for bed" and "close your eyes" but in reality if the child is not tired and cannot fall asleep these words mean nothing to them. Imagine as an adult you trying to fall asleep and you are tossing and turning. Then another adult comes in and tells you to close your eyes, stop moving, just go to sleep. As an adult you become furious, you are trying to sleep but cannot yet someone continues to tell you to "just close your eyes and go to sleep." It seems awful, yet that is often times how we handle a child that cannot fall asleep. Children do not know what time it is, but they do know the routine. If you have a consistent bedtime routine they know what they are suppose to do even when they cannot physically do it. Which leads up to the question, how can we support them.
As adults we can offer them tools to wind down. We can keep their bedtime routine the same and allow them to self soothe and fall asleep. This may mean that they talk to stuffed animals, look at books or talk/sing to themselves. Of course age is a huge factor and this would not work with infants. However, we can begin to support young toddlers and preschool age children in learning these skills. Each child is individual and what works for one may not work for another. As the adults that knows your child the best it is your job to figure out what works the best and deiced how to proceed.
When a child moves from infant to older toddlers they begin to realize they are a separate human from their adults. Many things enter their minds and they being to practice being separate from you. This may look like waking up in the night to be sure you are still there. Consistency and routine during this child development phase is equally important. We want to reassure the child we sill exist while also providing predictable routines when this happens in order for them to fall back asleep in that moment. This will look different for each and every family and for individual children within the same family. I know, that can be a difficult pill to swallow. However, there is always support available though support networks such as: ECFE, pediatricians, and friends and family. Please know that you are never alone in parenting and finding supportive people around you that you feel comfortable sharing your successes can challenges with will help you along the way.
Your ability to parent is not rated on your child's ability to eat a full meal, be toilet trained by their second birthday or an uninterrupted night of sleep. It will feel as if society is judging you based on these three things, this is a game parents play inside their own head. Social media only increases judgment parents are feeling and causes stress or anxiety surrounding these three topics. Your ability to parent begins with taking on the child's perspective and view point. It is enhanced with child development knowledge and amplified by your ability to know your child and follow your intuition and gut. Creating a supportive network including family, friends and your community will help you on this parenting journey.
You are not alone!
