You Are Such an Extrovert!

When people see me out of the house they are quick to think I am an extrovert. When I am teaching I can talk to anyone, start conversations and make people feel comfortable. I am a Relator according to Gallops Strengths finder survey. This means I want to build relationships with people that are long lasting friendships that are personal. I view people as people vs a student or co-worker. This also means that I seek deep, strong, long lasting relationships that involve commitment, trust and loyalty. This sounds very much like an extrovert. 

However, I don't see myself as an extrovert. This might come as a shock to those of you that personally know me. When I think of an extrovert, I think of the people that talk to anyone and everyone. I think of the person that can enter an elevator and strike up a conversation, go to a wedding at sit at a table of strangers and talk about anything. An extrovert can go to work all day long then come home and be ready to socialize with people. They are ok with events that include the entire community or friends of friends. Extroverts are always looking for the next person to meet that can energize their soul and fuel their body and mind. That just isn't who I am. 

I get fueled by being alone or having quiet time. I fuel myself by getting up two hours before my family so I can be ready to take on the day. This sets the stage for my entire day. If I have time to myself reading a book, catching up on school work, planning lesson, working out, drinking coffee and watching the birds at my feeders I can appear to be an extrovert through out the day and connect with people. When I am fueled I am able to strike up a conversation and use my Relator strength to build deep and strong relationships with the families I have in ECFE. If I take time alone I can better respond to the 50th time I hear "Mom!" from my children. This also means that at the end of the day my tank is empty. I need time to refuel and decompress. At the end of the day I also need about an hour alone to process through the day and reconnect with myself. You see introverts recharge by spending time alone or with a small group of people. After a full work week the last thing I want to do is go to a community event and talk to people. I am drained. I want to be at home with my family or with one other couple/family that I have a strong relationship with. 

Recently I was able to watch a TED Talk by Susan Cain. She explains her experience of cherishing introverts and how in education and work settings we might be pushing against the need for extroverts with all of the collaboration and group work that is taking place. She offered perspective that I hadn't considered. Susan pointed out that we do not want to end collaboration and group work but rather make space for introverts to be who they are as well. 

What might this mean in parent education or ECFE classes? For me it means that we (teachers and parents) need to advocate for our introverted children. The SHY children! Yes, I just said shy. You all know that I dislike that word and will correct parents, teachers and caregivers when they use that word to describe their toddler or preschooler. Your child will become SHY and define themselves as SHY if you use that word to describe them. Stop saying SHY! What if we replaced this with "She is observing the classroom before she decides what she would like to do." We could also say "He likes to warm up in my lap before talking to you." When we use the word shy we are deciding for that child that they will grow up to be shy and defining who they are to become. In reality, young children are learning to leave the nest so to speak. As infants they depended upon a parent or caretaker to meet their needs and keep them safe. When a child 2-5 years old enters a classroom setting with other adults and children sometimes they are unsure and need to have the comfort of the adult before knowing what to do next. This is not shy, this is child development. Now, some of you will ask "What about little Samantha that just walks right in and begins activities?" To that I say, What about her? No one said "Wow, look at Samantha she isn't shy." They just allowed Samantha to enter the room without a definition or label. Yet, the child that does not do this is "SHY!" What?! That does not make any sense to me. 

Does this mean that Samantha will grow up to be an extrovert and the other child will be an introvert? At this age we are not sure. We are not able to label them, they have years to develop. We know that the brain grows at the most rapid pace from birth to age three. We also know that the brain continues to fire and wire frequently through age 8 and the brain is not fully developed until the mid to late twenties. What I do know is that we can label children shy, place them in a box of being defective if they are introverted while not saying a word about the extrovert in the room. We can try to force them to speak in large group settings, push peer interactions or group work but should we? As parents and educators shouldn't we meet the child where they are and support their path in development so they can become who they are mean to be? 

Yes! The answer is YES! We can reword statements that are made about our children. 

We can remove the words: 

• shy
• naughty
• bossy
• antisocial
• mean
• tattletale 

We can change them to statements like: 

• we are warming up to being at school today
• we are having a hard time controlling our body at the moment
• we like to be the leader
• we enjoy delegating the tasks
• we are working on learning about personal space
• we aren't ready to talk yet, pass to the next student 
• we prefer to observe before we jump in to the task
• we worry when others are not following the rules 

If we reframe our thinking and reword our statements we can allow young children to grow and develop. This will not place them into a box of growing up to be shy, naughty or bossy. Instead, this will allow them to develop their personal space, ease into new situations at their own pace and filter the times it is necessary to tell an adult or allow the other child to make decisions on their own. It will also allow the adults to rethink the behavior. Is the child really naughty or are they telling you they are overstimulated? 

I will continue to support parents and children in our ECFE classes. I will commit to not labeling a child as an introvert or extrovert while challenging parents to rephrase words or statements that define or could potentially define their child by rephrasing or supporting with evidence that their child in young and is developing into who they will become many years from now. I will also support teachers in my coaching role to embrace all children where they are and support spaces for group work and individual work within the classroom as Susan pointed out, the world needs both!