Do this, Don't do That.

 

My freshman year in college, I had an instructor that gave us a blank spreadsheet. Along the left side was every time of the day broken into 15 min segments. Across the top was each day of the week. Our task was to write down every single thing that we did every 15 minutes of every day of the week.

Everything! 

I began by blocking off my sleeping hours, that seemed to be the easiest. Then, I added in: showers, brushing teeth, meals and other routine items. In college, I was working part time as a bartender in Canal Park (Duluth, MN) and the hours fluctuated. I placed them the best that I could knowing it wouldn't be perfect. Next, I added class times for the courses I was taking and travel time to and from. That was it, I stopped writing things in. I was stuck, what else did I add? What do I do? The instructor came over and helped me process. She asked questions like: do you watch any television shows regularly? Spend time with friends? What hobbies might you include? 

I continued working and added more items: taking a walk, reading a book, watching Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, happy hour with friends, talking on the phone to my parents, taking a nap before work, playing cards etc. 

Once we had our sheets complete the instructor told us all to find 15-20 hours of time to block off for studying. All you could hear was gasps from the room. People began saying "I don't have that many empty blocks of time" and "that isn't possible" or "how could I do that when my days are full?" The instructor allowed for this processing time. She took in every look of horror on the faces of these very young twentyish year old students while telling us to continue to work on it. Then she said... you might have to give something up. What?! Give something up? As you can imagine the world has seemly revolved around most of us as we grew up. Our parents changed their schedules to join our sporting events, we planned family vacations around part time jobs of the teens and we went home from college on our breaks not when our parents wanted us to. Now, this instructor was asking us to give something up to study. HA! 

The class worked on this for what seemed like hours. The instructor then said to us as a class "In order to fully succeed at this University you will have to make adaptations to your current life. That means you will have to cross some of the items on your sheet out in order to make time for this new learning. Once you decide what you might need to change or eliminate in your weekly schedule you must change the words to STUDY. The word study must be in bold and all capital letters. This word should be written in sharpie so you do not erase the word and change it to something else." 

Of course the class discussion went on, reality hit and life was not going to go on as it once was for most of us. Fast-forward to 2020 when in the middle of a pandemic I decided that I would register for a Masters Program through Saint Mary's University. Not only in the middle of a pandemic, but also as a mother of three very active boys ages 10, 12 and 15, while working full time and being a wife to my amazing husband.

Before registering we had a family meeting. We discussed as a family we would need to decide if I would be registering for my Masters Program. I could not make this decision alone. In the back of my head I was working through the spreadsheet, just as I did as a freshman in college. Only this time I was noticing that from the age of 19 to the age of 39 the empty cells in my spreadsheet were few and far between. I had cells filled with sports, birthday parties, carpool, helping my children with homework, making lunches and packing backpacks, spending time with my children, date night with my husband, family vacations, girls nights, work, taking care of our parents, drivers education and all of lives events that just pop up in between. 

I didn't need to explain the activity above to my family. What we needed to discuss as a family was that we are a team. Our team would have to make adaptations in order for this to work. We all needed to be on the same page about what this would look like and how it will impact every single one of us. 

I listed my adaptations and expectations to my family. I would need to get up early to work on my school work before they all woke up. This is my best thinking time and a time that would be the least disruptive to our family. On the flip side my boys needed to know that at times I would need to rely on them to pick up in areas I might not be able to. I explained to them that I might be getting up early to do my work but I still needed sleep. Moms bedtime changed. It went from me putting my boys to bed when they were young to my oldest tucking me in to bed at night. Wow, how the tables have turned. I explained that I want them to have the least impact when it comes to summer fun, getting to and from sports or spending time with friends and family. In order to do that we all needed to step it up and pitch in when asked. At this time in my life I have never been more thankful that my boys have been a part of the dinner making process. One really tough day a few weeks ago my husband and I came home to smoked ribs fresh off the smoker. Talk about a surprise. It was on that day that I realized we are all adapting and we will be okay! 

Reflecting back upon my freshman year of college, it was rather simple to cross off Greys Anatomy and Desperate House Wives or cancel a Friday night game of cards. It was just me. I could adapt to reach my end goal, graduation. Now, with a family of five and a full time career, it takes a little more intentionality and open communication. I am thankful that we had a family meeting prior and came up with a few ground rules to support this process. I believe that I didn't need to bust out a spreadsheet for my pre-teen children but rather that they are seeing our family work and adapt to the time we have and the tasks that need to be accomplished by all of us. I believe that we are all learning life lessons and furthering our education in this process. My education might be formal and theirs might be life skills but in the end aren't they both important? It is my hope that my boys are at the age where they will remember this crazy time in our lives and use the skills when they have families of their own.

There have been many times that we have to make tough decisions about activities we might want to attend. It often leads to discussions on needs vs wants and what the domino effect might be. When this happens I catch myself singing the song below in my head. Music centers me. Music can speak what I might not be able to put into words. Adaptations and choices often feel like "do this, don't do that" which then leads to an evaluation of needs vs wants and in turn helps me (and our family) make decisions that will be best for all of us.