I Use to Worry

 

I use to worry, A LOT! My mind would be filled with the what if this or what if that scenarios. Worrying would cause me to miss out on so many adventures that life provided. I thought everyone worried. Why wouldn't they? Isn't everyone wired the same?

Worrying was a part of my childhood. I do not believe I was born to worry, I believe I was taught to worry. Anything that we did as children I would hear my mother in the background saying all the things that might go wrong. She spoke her worry aloud to us. I believe this is why so many of her anxieties limited my childhood and likely early adult life. 

It wasn't until I was a young adult that I realized not everyone was afraid a dog might bite them. In fact, many children walk up to dogs and are excited to pet them. Not me, my mom would hold us tight and say "you never know if that dog will bite you" and we would walk away. I also thought every parent made you go inside and shut the doors when someone was mowing lawn. Didn't everyone do that? No, not really. She did this because when she was a child a rock flew out of the lawn mower and broke her arm. Which means, of course, that freak accident would likely happen to us. The list continues: tubing behind a boat, swimming in a lake, driving a little too fast in a boat, standing to close to a fire, climbing a tree a little too high, riding our bikes around the neighborhood out of her eye site and a tree falling on our house if the wind is too strong in a storm. This fear extended to having a babysitter! Yes, we never had a babysitter our entire childhood because she didn't trust anyone to watch us besides our grandparents. WOW! 

As a young adult I realized how much time I spend worrying about what might happen. It took me a considerable amount of time searching my soul to find out if it was worth worrying about and if I had any control over the outcome. I realized that I was giving all of my attention to things I had not control over. I couldn't predict the outcome or the future. Why was I letting the fear of the unknown control how I was feeling. What would happen if I let go of the worry and started to focus my attention on all of the ways things could turn out for the positive? I had to overcome this negative thought process and rewire my thinking. 

Music, quotes, bible studies and journaling are all ways that I have found to rewire my thinking and focus my attention on a desired outcome. It is less of a battle now that I have had years of practicing and retraining my brain. However, having three very energetic and risk taking boys in my home I need to be conscious of the words that come out of my mouth. I need to give attention to what might go right and how they might succeed instead of hearing my mothers words come out of my mouth when they explore the world. 

I see my boys riding wheelies on dirt bikes, climbing to the top of trees and saying look at me, jumping off the boat in the middle of the lake, riding a bike with no hands on the handle bars, jumping off my deck since the stairs take too long, climbing on the outside of a tunnel tube at the park and the list is endless. They are being children. They are embracing their natural curiosity of the world around them without my mind shaping their experiences. Do I have to walk away at times? Of course I do. I would rather walk away and let them continue their adventure instead of sharing my facial expressions, gasps or words of concern. When grandma is around she might try to place her worry into their minds and I simply say "they do it successfully so why would I stop them." She is embracing some of their activities and walking away from others. She still feels the need to tell me all the things that could go wrong in any activity they are doing. My response is always "I can't worry about something I don't have control over." 

Simply stated I have to give my time and attention to all of their interests and pray often. I pray for God to keep them safe and guide their decisions. I also pray for faith over fear and blast Fear is a Liar when my mind starts to travel to my childhood. 

We can all choose what we give attention to. 

We can give attention to the worry or to wonder. 

Where will you place your attention? 

You only have one today, it is yours. 

Will you worry about what might go wrong, or get excited about what CAN go right?

Talk is Cheap

Check out the article below from 1998, the year I graduated high school. Yes, this article is over twenty years old and we are still discussing ways to reinvent schools. How can this be?

Change as Collaborative Inquiry: A ‘Constructivist’ Methodology for Reinventing Schools by Tony Wagner.

It was not apparent to me in 1998 that schools needed to be reinvented or that there was anything to reinvent. I was an average students, getting my school work completed, working part time, enjoying time with friends and family while living my best life. I didn't know what was taking place within the schools because I was a student that followed the "educational path" check these items off your list, graduate and head off to a 4 year college. Isn't that what I was suppose to do? Of course, every teacher I had said things like, you need this for college or get this score to be accepted into that school etc. I did what I was told and always knew I wanted to be a teacher. 

Now as a parent of three boys I can tell you that I have learned so much about the way schools need to rethink how they prep students for ALL areas of life after high school. It was eye opening the day my oldest said "all they talk about is college but I want to go into the Navy" and yet a year later he said "what about the kids in my class that want to go into the trades like their dads or open a small business" both of which were eye opening for me. However, as I look around me almost every friend he has belongs to a family in which one of the parents went into the trades and makes more money without college debt than those around them. Wow! My son saw that the schools are not tapping into every child's path but only the path of students that wish to attend a 4 year college. 

The article above stated that we sort out the small percentage of students ready for further learning, professional and managerial jobs while leaving the remainder of the students unprepared for labor, assembly work  (and I would add on military) options. Which completely echo's my sons experience from 2016 to the present day entering his sophomore year. I also think about students that will choose to be a stay at home parent, own their own business and many other options. We cannot teach to ALL students successfully if we are leaving out a significant portion of students by the narrow vision of one path for all.

As a part of our leadership team within our district I try to speak up for the students that are not status quo. When conversations are spinning on college ready students I try to speak up for college or career ready students. Our strategic plan that was put into place has specific language that speaks for all students and their path. I find it more impactful when I can quote the strategic plan and goals our district has printed vs sharing the personal stories of my own children. However, at times it is necessary to share how children feel when they are in a classroom or building and the conversations revolve around college only as an option. 

How can we as parents in our community speak up for ALL children like or mission statement or strategic plan? They are all, ALL of our children. This discussion has been taking place well before 1998. The article above states many ideas for reinventing our schools to meet the needs of all students. This discussion is not new. Where have we come? Where will be go? These are all questions I have in my mind. To know that these discussions took place when I was in high school and are still taking place shows that change is a slow process. Is talk cheap or are we going to do something about it? 

Do this, Don't do That.

 

My freshman year in college, I had an instructor that gave us a blank spreadsheet. Along the left side was every time of the day broken into 15 min segments. Across the top was each day of the week. Our task was to write down every single thing that we did every 15 minutes of every day of the week.

Everything! 

I began by blocking off my sleeping hours, that seemed to be the easiest. Then, I added in: showers, brushing teeth, meals and other routine items. In college, I was working part time as a bartender in Canal Park (Duluth, MN) and the hours fluctuated. I placed them the best that I could knowing it wouldn't be perfect. Next, I added class times for the courses I was taking and travel time to and from. That was it, I stopped writing things in. I was stuck, what else did I add? What do I do? The instructor came over and helped me process. She asked questions like: do you watch any television shows regularly? Spend time with friends? What hobbies might you include? 

I continued working and added more items: taking a walk, reading a book, watching Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, happy hour with friends, talking on the phone to my parents, taking a nap before work, playing cards etc. 

Once we had our sheets complete the instructor told us all to find 15-20 hours of time to block off for studying. All you could hear was gasps from the room. People began saying "I don't have that many empty blocks of time" and "that isn't possible" or "how could I do that when my days are full?" The instructor allowed for this processing time. She took in every look of horror on the faces of these very young twentyish year old students while telling us to continue to work on it. Then she said... you might have to give something up. What?! Give something up? As you can imagine the world has seemly revolved around most of us as we grew up. Our parents changed their schedules to join our sporting events, we planned family vacations around part time jobs of the teens and we went home from college on our breaks not when our parents wanted us to. Now, this instructor was asking us to give something up to study. HA! 

The class worked on this for what seemed like hours. The instructor then said to us as a class "In order to fully succeed at this University you will have to make adaptations to your current life. That means you will have to cross some of the items on your sheet out in order to make time for this new learning. Once you decide what you might need to change or eliminate in your weekly schedule you must change the words to STUDY. The word study must be in bold and all capital letters. This word should be written in sharpie so you do not erase the word and change it to something else." 

Of course the class discussion went on, reality hit and life was not going to go on as it once was for most of us. Fast-forward to 2020 when in the middle of a pandemic I decided that I would register for a Masters Program through Saint Mary's University. Not only in the middle of a pandemic, but also as a mother of three very active boys ages 10, 12 and 15, while working full time and being a wife to my amazing husband.

Before registering we had a family meeting. We discussed as a family we would need to decide if I would be registering for my Masters Program. I could not make this decision alone. In the back of my head I was working through the spreadsheet, just as I did as a freshman in college. Only this time I was noticing that from the age of 19 to the age of 39 the empty cells in my spreadsheet were few and far between. I had cells filled with sports, birthday parties, carpool, helping my children with homework, making lunches and packing backpacks, spending time with my children, date night with my husband, family vacations, girls nights, work, taking care of our parents, drivers education and all of lives events that just pop up in between. 

I didn't need to explain the activity above to my family. What we needed to discuss as a family was that we are a team. Our team would have to make adaptations in order for this to work. We all needed to be on the same page about what this would look like and how it will impact every single one of us. 

I listed my adaptations and expectations to my family. I would need to get up early to work on my school work before they all woke up. This is my best thinking time and a time that would be the least disruptive to our family. On the flip side my boys needed to know that at times I would need to rely on them to pick up in areas I might not be able to. I explained to them that I might be getting up early to do my work but I still needed sleep. Moms bedtime changed. It went from me putting my boys to bed when they were young to my oldest tucking me in to bed at night. Wow, how the tables have turned. I explained that I want them to have the least impact when it comes to summer fun, getting to and from sports or spending time with friends and family. In order to do that we all needed to step it up and pitch in when asked. At this time in my life I have never been more thankful that my boys have been a part of the dinner making process. One really tough day a few weeks ago my husband and I came home to smoked ribs fresh off the smoker. Talk about a surprise. It was on that day that I realized we are all adapting and we will be okay! 

Reflecting back upon my freshman year of college, it was rather simple to cross off Greys Anatomy and Desperate House Wives or cancel a Friday night game of cards. It was just me. I could adapt to reach my end goal, graduation. Now, with a family of five and a full time career, it takes a little more intentionality and open communication. I am thankful that we had a family meeting prior and came up with a few ground rules to support this process. I believe that I didn't need to bust out a spreadsheet for my pre-teen children but rather that they are seeing our family work and adapt to the time we have and the tasks that need to be accomplished by all of us. I believe that we are all learning life lessons and furthering our education in this process. My education might be formal and theirs might be life skills but in the end aren't they both important? It is my hope that my boys are at the age where they will remember this crazy time in our lives and use the skills when they have families of their own.

There have been many times that we have to make tough decisions about activities we might want to attend. It often leads to discussions on needs vs wants and what the domino effect might be. When this happens I catch myself singing the song below in my head. Music centers me. Music can speak what I might not be able to put into words. Adaptations and choices often feel like "do this, don't do that" which then leads to an evaluation of needs vs wants and in turn helps me (and our family) make decisions that will be best for all of us.