November: A Time for Reflection

 As we end the month of October and move into November the first thought that comes to my mind is giving thanks. We all know someone that states something they are thankful for each day of November or writes notes of gratitude each day and reads them or posts them on Thanksgiving day. 

I ponder if I should be a person that does that. Each day write a little note of gratitude and reflect upon them at a later date. I know I would for sure start with air in my lungs, without that do we really have anything? I would include God as my rock and my foundation. Of course family and friends would be at the top of my list along with a roof over my head and food on our table. 

It is fairly easy for me to wake up and be in awe of the sunrise. The portrait that is new every single day continues to amaze me and many times leaves me speechless. I enjoy each new day, praise God for granting me one more day on earth and consider how I can make a difference. We really only have one "today" and it is my job to Keep my Day (as Willow Sweeny would preach). 

I recognize that I am not wonderful at starting a month long task and sticking to it. In this regard, I don't believe it would be beneficial for me to write my praises each day and reflect at the end of November. Instead, I can sum most of what I am thankful for in the image below. Everyday that I wake up I feel grateful for the time I get to spend with people that I love is an extremely precious day. I am a people person. I want to be with my family and friends. I am content sitting at home enjoying my family. I love that our door is always open and people just stop by unannounced but furthermore I am grateful that they feel comfortable stopping by. In my career I am able to connect with families in our community and not only get to know them on a daily basis but for years to come. This connection is something that fills my spirit and keeps me going. People, I can be grateful for people. 

Each day we wake up is a blessing. 

Each day we are able to spend time with those we love is a day to be cherished. 

November is a time for reflection. A time to reflect upon how we spend our time and who we choose to spend our time with. Making the time for the people that are important is up to you is a choice. Tomorrow is not promised, but today is! What will you do with your day and more importantly who will you spend your day with?

Time is a Thief

It was a normal Wednesday morning, October 13, 2021.

I woke up around 5 am to enjoy a few hours to myself before anyone in the house decided to wake up. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a cup of for my coffee, placed my coffee in the cup and used my new favorite item in the kitchen, the Insta-Hot (if you do not have instant hot water at your sink you have no idea what you are missing!) to fill my cup with hot water. 

Just like any other day I picked up my cup of coffee and walked over to the refrigerator. That is when it happened. I noticed a blank spot on the fridge. I froze! Immediately froze. What was missing? I am not sure about you but if I hang a paper on the fridge it typically means picture day is coming up, I need to return a permission slip or something of that nature. A paper that needs to be there and returned by a specific date. Of course I have a few photos. I keep a couple of bible verses visible so each time the boys want a snack they can read them and possibly use them in their day to day life. What was missing? I didn't know what was missing in the moment but I knew I hadn't stared at a blank spot in a really long time. 

For a moment I racked my brain trying to think of what hung on the two little bug magnets.

Then it hit me, like a rock. It hit me hard! I mean it hit me so hard it took my breath away and I almost dropped my coffee cup. That is how hard it literally hit me. Do you know what was missing? A paper I stared at from October 12, 2020 all the way until October 12, 2021. A normal 8 x 10 sheet of white paper with lines on it. A drivers log. A drivers log for my oldest son. A simple piece of paper that we write down the hours he practiced driving with an adult. Gone! 365 days of looking at the same paper and filling out a log of drive time. I wake up one morning and it is missing, gone, no longer exists. My heart stopped, I lost my breath and I almost dropped my coffee. I stood there motionless. My brain started racing with thoughts. It was like the last 365 days just ran through my head or if you can imagine someone with an open book fanning the pages, that is what my head felt like. The thoughts, so many thoughts. 

I thought about the last 365 days that my oldest son hopped in the drivers seat and we practiced driving. In the beginning he was nervous, so nervous. That was not something I had anticipated. He always seemed to confident in driving anything and from a young age. Thinking back to October of 2020, we started with short, familiar trips. Then to the present, October 12, 2021, the day of his drivers test had me stop dead in my tracks. 

This paper not only represent the hours of practice but it also represented the hours of time together bonding and learning about life. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all peaches and cream. There were moments I grabbed the 'Oh Shit Handle.' Other moments were we talked about things that didn't matter while yet many times we discussed life and what to do in certain situations. Car conversations are oftentimes the moments when the world is still and bonding takes place. This paper represented more than a few hours of driving practice and now it is gone! 

I finally picked my mind and body. Placed some cream in my coffee and started my morning. My heart felt different. The Mom in me was so proud he passed his test and also sad. Sad to let go of another part of my oldest. As I sat and reflected on the past 16 years of his life there were many transitions that took place. Some of them were obvious like starting school and others less obvious like why isn't he crawling in bed with us anymore. 

As parents, we can prep ourselves for some transitions and others hit us like a rock. The truth is this transition was both. I knew he was going to turn 16 and pass his drivers test at some point. In his case, he passed the first time and on his birthday. Okay, we got this! This is an expected transition, right?

Wrong! I wake up the next day to a drivers log missing and pretty much lost my mind. All of the memories we had made during the past year driving together are over? Just like that, done! 

Poof, he is driving, it's over. Then my mind goes crazy. Spaghetti brain is what my husband calls, maybe you know about this? It is when your brain rambles off all kinds of things in that don't make sense and you ask questions that you don't wait for the answer to and barley breathe between all the questions you have. It might sound like a crazy person but he is use to it. If you are unfamiliar this is what it sounds like:  Did we talk enough in the past year while driving? Is he ready to go on his own? Just yesterday he had questions before his test and now here are some keys bye have fun?! Is that how it works? What happens when he gets his first flat tire? Who will he call if there is an accident? Will he speed? Am I in charge of who enters his vehicle? Do the other parents know he is a new driver? Will he know to show his proof of insurance if he needs it? Does he realize he can't be on his phone? What if he decides to have too many kids in the car with him? Will he know what to do when the roads are icy? What about that stupid left turn on Hwy 65 that even adults can't figure out? The list goes on and on and on. 

As I sat there reflecting upon the past year my son walks upstairs. He takes a shower, eats his breakfast and has the biggest smile on his face that I have ever seen. He grabs his keys and drives himself to school. WHAT? Just 11 years ago, I walked him to the bus stop for kindergarten and now in October of 2021 he walks out the door with keys and drives himself to school. How can this be? 

I didn't loose it, I didn't cry. For those of you that know me you are shocked, I know. I am a crier. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am an open book and what you see is what you get, typically. Not today. Today I froze, again! I literally was in a state of shock. I froze, at least physically. In my head I was thinking, did that just happen? How did we get here? What does this mean? Spaghetti brain kicked in again and the questions were endless.

What this means folks is that I blinked! I blinked too many times. I need to stop blinking. 

Time slips through the cracks of your fingers and you don't even realize it. 

You have no idea that it's the last driving practice you will have because you are so focused on ensuring he is ready for his test. 

You don't realize that three Friday's ago was the last time he was going to ask for a ride to the football game. 

It hits you again and again. The blows just keep coming and you aren't expecting a single one of them.

Last night he walked up the steps and said "okay I am heading to the football game." What?! You don't need me to drive you and pick you up. Oh, and you are going to pick up a friend. Do their parents know? Should I call them? Is he going to be safe with a friend in the car? What is happening to my life!?  Spaghetti brain! None of these questions actually come out of my mouth but I am thinking them, inside. Instead I sit with a rock in my stomach and a tear behind my eye that I won't let go and say this: "Have fun and be safe. Wake me up when you get home." 

UGH! Why? Why is time a thief?! 

Here are just some of my take away moments from the past week: 

The days can be long but the years are short. 

It is my job to be a taxi, every single day that my kids need me. I will drive. 

I will cherish the moments my oldest gets into my car again, every single time.

I won't hold them back. This is the best years of their life. I need to keep my feelings inside. 

Enjoy the sleepless nights when they are under my roof. Sleepless nights when they are out and about are SO much harder. 

Trust! Trust that I have made and impact and he can hear my voice in his head when making decisions. 

Don't waste the moments in the drop off line at a Friday night football game when you can roll down your window and yell "Hugs not Drugs, We love you, have fun!" I promise he will remember this when he has kids. 

To be open and honest with my kids AND allow my kid to be open and honest with us. 

Even when it is hard. They will make mistakes and I will be there for them. I will make mistakes and I hope they will be understanding as well. 

Remember that my parenting is not perfect and neither are my children. 

Last but certainly not least, 

                                             Don't Blink! 

Time is a thief! 

                 

                 

Am I an Artist?

 

I haven't ever thought of my self as an artist in the sense of extravagant paintings or drawings. In fact, art has not been on my radar. When I try to draw something I typically find a great step by step visual to refer to and even then the proportions are off and the drawing is not to scale. I can create and excellent dog using these steps but in real life the dogs head would be so large it would never be able to walk. HA! Give it a try and see how you do. 

Is that what an artist is? Creating a master drawing using step by step instructions or a visual in your mind? Could it be abstract art like the photo above? Is it creating a beautiful image to hang in a business or home or is there more to art? I haven't given in much thought.  

Is teaching an art? 

                            Am I an artist? 

                                                  

                   Wow, I haven't ever thought about it, I might be! 

After looking at Saint Francis of Assisi's quote above I wanted to dive in a little deeper to each aspect that was mentioned. Let's break it down. 

Teaching with my hands. 

There are many times I am using my hands throughout my teaching day. I work with young children, parents and with my co-workers. I like to jump in wherever I am needed. I enjoy taking on new tasks and joining committees that support the families I work with. If I can lend a hand to get the job done, I typically will. I like to think that many hands make for light work, if we all do our part we can have a large impact on our community. 

Teaching with my head. 

My head is always full of thoughts and ideas. I learned one of my strengths on the Clifton Strengths Finder is Input. Input is storing of information, collecting data, resources, dates and such. Before taking the strengths finder I didn't know why I could remember all kinds of facts and details about article, conversations,  or families and children in our community. After realizing this is a strength I have been more aware of how my head can enhance relationships I make with families in our community by remembering details to make connections. It also helps me to recall information in teaching to include resources or child development milestones. 

I recognize that although I can name the information a weakness I have is recalling the exact source. A wise man once told me, a great student or teacher does not have all the answers but the ability to find answers to create new learning. I hold onto that not only as a teacher but also as a parent. If my children are not great at fill in the bubble tests, is that okay? Isn't in more important that they can own the information, find the resources they need and investigate life? When in life will a fill in the bubble test or reciting facts play a part in being a part of a team? If they join the Navy or need to collaborate with a team on a construction site is a scantron timed test going to help them? 

Using your head is a part of becoming a craftsman or an artist. Using your head leads to new thinking and learning.

Teaching with my heart! 💓

This is where my passion comes out. My heart and my passion are the center of my teaching. I get excited and energized when I am with children and parents. I wear my heart on my sleeve. When a parent is hurting, I am hurting. When a parent expresses joy and excitement I can share that with them. If a parent is in pain I feel it deep in my soul and bring that home with me. 

When a child meets a milestone I jump for joy. I share tears of joy if a child with developmental delays meets their next individual goal. I live, breathe and crave these shared experiences with parents. They are joyful, painful, exciting, frustrating, happy, sad and everything in-between. I can only hope and pray that the parents in early childhood know my heart is with them and that they can come to me at anytime with anything. 

Does this make me an artist? 

Teaching with my hands, head and heart is something I strive for on a daily basis. When I look at a painting or work of art I can often feel the emotions the artist might be trying to portray. The artist used their hands to create, their head to imagine and their hearts to express. 

When I am teaching do I do the same? I guess that is a question for the students in my parenting education classes to answer and not for me. I do hope that they see and feel my passion and my commitment to their families from day one until the end. I have told families I am there for them now and forever, I just hope they feel it in their hearts today and as they move into the K-12 schools. 

Am I an artist? I am not sure, but I am on the right track! 

If we always do what we have always done, we will always be what we have always been.

 

We have always had leaders in our lives. At times we are the leader and other times we have a leader we look up to. Is there such thing as a good leader and a bad leader? I think so and maybe you do as well. Leaders have all kinds of traits that live within them. Sometimes a specific trait shines more than another. 

What do you look for in a good leader? I tend to look for a leader that has great communication skills, is focused on getting the job done and allows for mistakes along the way. In addition, I feel it is important for a leader to admit when things might not be going as planned and listen to others while maintaining a results focused vision. Trust is a word that comes to mind. Will a leader trust the group they are leading in admitting mistakes and changing the course as needed. 

I also feel that energy is a trait that I look for in a leader. Is this person able to energize the group and does their passion shine in the work they are doing. 

On the flip side, I have been under some terrible leadership as well. This is evident when there is room for gossip, a leader allows for his or her mistakes to be covered up, they can do no wrong and seem to have a bit of blaming or shaming inside them. Sometimes a poor leader will make decisions and demand action without an explanation as to why or what the end result is. Relationships with a team are not a strong and trust is not obtained. 

I can give an example of leaders I have had in my life that fall into both categories. If we made a column for the good and the bad I could list them by name and how they fall into my life in different positions I have been in. That also feels wrong. Did some of these leaders have more training than others? Where are their hearts? I feel your heart leads you in many situations.

 I also feel that the way I feel about leaders personally impacts which category I would place them into. Before I knew what I looked for in a leader I used my feelings to categorize leaders. As I have gotten older and placed in many different situations I have started to use logic to identify a good leader. Is this a person that is able to learn and grow or is this a person that will always do what they have always done expecting different results? I think a strong leader has traits of showing love and establishing relationships. I believe they need to be energized by the work they do and have passion to drive their goals. I also feel like they need to be honest and trust worthy. Does this person do what they say they will do or what people want to hear? 

If we always do what we have always done, 

                                                      we will always be what we have always been. 

How will you become a leader in your daily life and impact others with your love, energy, passion, honesty and bravery. To lead we must be brave. Begin brave involves taking risk and being a part of a team that will be supportive with those risks that are successful and those that might need to be adjusted. 

I Use to Worry

 

I use to worry, A LOT! My mind would be filled with the what if this or what if that scenarios. Worrying would cause me to miss out on so many adventures that life provided. I thought everyone worried. Why wouldn't they? Isn't everyone wired the same?

Worrying was a part of my childhood. I do not believe I was born to worry, I believe I was taught to worry. Anything that we did as children I would hear my mother in the background saying all the things that might go wrong. She spoke her worry aloud to us. I believe this is why so many of her anxieties limited my childhood and likely early adult life. 

It wasn't until I was a young adult that I realized not everyone was afraid a dog might bite them. In fact, many children walk up to dogs and are excited to pet them. Not me, my mom would hold us tight and say "you never know if that dog will bite you" and we would walk away. I also thought every parent made you go inside and shut the doors when someone was mowing lawn. Didn't everyone do that? No, not really. She did this because when she was a child a rock flew out of the lawn mower and broke her arm. Which means, of course, that freak accident would likely happen to us. The list continues: tubing behind a boat, swimming in a lake, driving a little too fast in a boat, standing to close to a fire, climbing a tree a little too high, riding our bikes around the neighborhood out of her eye site and a tree falling on our house if the wind is too strong in a storm. This fear extended to having a babysitter! Yes, we never had a babysitter our entire childhood because she didn't trust anyone to watch us besides our grandparents. WOW! 

As a young adult I realized how much time I spend worrying about what might happen. It took me a considerable amount of time searching my soul to find out if it was worth worrying about and if I had any control over the outcome. I realized that I was giving all of my attention to things I had not control over. I couldn't predict the outcome or the future. Why was I letting the fear of the unknown control how I was feeling. What would happen if I let go of the worry and started to focus my attention on all of the ways things could turn out for the positive? I had to overcome this negative thought process and rewire my thinking. 

Music, quotes, bible studies and journaling are all ways that I have found to rewire my thinking and focus my attention on a desired outcome. It is less of a battle now that I have had years of practicing and retraining my brain. However, having three very energetic and risk taking boys in my home I need to be conscious of the words that come out of my mouth. I need to give attention to what might go right and how they might succeed instead of hearing my mothers words come out of my mouth when they explore the world. 

I see my boys riding wheelies on dirt bikes, climbing to the top of trees and saying look at me, jumping off the boat in the middle of the lake, riding a bike with no hands on the handle bars, jumping off my deck since the stairs take too long, climbing on the outside of a tunnel tube at the park and the list is endless. They are being children. They are embracing their natural curiosity of the world around them without my mind shaping their experiences. Do I have to walk away at times? Of course I do. I would rather walk away and let them continue their adventure instead of sharing my facial expressions, gasps or words of concern. When grandma is around she might try to place her worry into their minds and I simply say "they do it successfully so why would I stop them." She is embracing some of their activities and walking away from others. She still feels the need to tell me all the things that could go wrong in any activity they are doing. My response is always "I can't worry about something I don't have control over." 

Simply stated I have to give my time and attention to all of their interests and pray often. I pray for God to keep them safe and guide their decisions. I also pray for faith over fear and blast Fear is a Liar when my mind starts to travel to my childhood. 

We can all choose what we give attention to. 

We can give attention to the worry or to wonder. 

Where will you place your attention? 

You only have one today, it is yours. 

Will you worry about what might go wrong, or get excited about what CAN go right?

Talk is Cheap

Check out the article below from 1998, the year I graduated high school. Yes, this article is over twenty years old and we are still discussing ways to reinvent schools. How can this be?

Change as Collaborative Inquiry: A ‘Constructivist’ Methodology for Reinventing Schools by Tony Wagner.

It was not apparent to me in 1998 that schools needed to be reinvented or that there was anything to reinvent. I was an average students, getting my school work completed, working part time, enjoying time with friends and family while living my best life. I didn't know what was taking place within the schools because I was a student that followed the "educational path" check these items off your list, graduate and head off to a 4 year college. Isn't that what I was suppose to do? Of course, every teacher I had said things like, you need this for college or get this score to be accepted into that school etc. I did what I was told and always knew I wanted to be a teacher. 

Now as a parent of three boys I can tell you that I have learned so much about the way schools need to rethink how they prep students for ALL areas of life after high school. It was eye opening the day my oldest said "all they talk about is college but I want to go into the Navy" and yet a year later he said "what about the kids in my class that want to go into the trades like their dads or open a small business" both of which were eye opening for me. However, as I look around me almost every friend he has belongs to a family in which one of the parents went into the trades and makes more money without college debt than those around them. Wow! My son saw that the schools are not tapping into every child's path but only the path of students that wish to attend a 4 year college. 

The article above stated that we sort out the small percentage of students ready for further learning, professional and managerial jobs while leaving the remainder of the students unprepared for labor, assembly work  (and I would add on military) options. Which completely echo's my sons experience from 2016 to the present day entering his sophomore year. I also think about students that will choose to be a stay at home parent, own their own business and many other options. We cannot teach to ALL students successfully if we are leaving out a significant portion of students by the narrow vision of one path for all.

As a part of our leadership team within our district I try to speak up for the students that are not status quo. When conversations are spinning on college ready students I try to speak up for college or career ready students. Our strategic plan that was put into place has specific language that speaks for all students and their path. I find it more impactful when I can quote the strategic plan and goals our district has printed vs sharing the personal stories of my own children. However, at times it is necessary to share how children feel when they are in a classroom or building and the conversations revolve around college only as an option. 

How can we as parents in our community speak up for ALL children like or mission statement or strategic plan? They are all, ALL of our children. This discussion has been taking place well before 1998. The article above states many ideas for reinventing our schools to meet the needs of all students. This discussion is not new. Where have we come? Where will be go? These are all questions I have in my mind. To know that these discussions took place when I was in high school and are still taking place shows that change is a slow process. Is talk cheap or are we going to do something about it? 

Do this, Don't do That.

 

My freshman year in college, I had an instructor that gave us a blank spreadsheet. Along the left side was every time of the day broken into 15 min segments. Across the top was each day of the week. Our task was to write down every single thing that we did every 15 minutes of every day of the week.

Everything! 

I began by blocking off my sleeping hours, that seemed to be the easiest. Then, I added in: showers, brushing teeth, meals and other routine items. In college, I was working part time as a bartender in Canal Park (Duluth, MN) and the hours fluctuated. I placed them the best that I could knowing it wouldn't be perfect. Next, I added class times for the courses I was taking and travel time to and from. That was it, I stopped writing things in. I was stuck, what else did I add? What do I do? The instructor came over and helped me process. She asked questions like: do you watch any television shows regularly? Spend time with friends? What hobbies might you include? 

I continued working and added more items: taking a walk, reading a book, watching Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, happy hour with friends, talking on the phone to my parents, taking a nap before work, playing cards etc. 

Once we had our sheets complete the instructor told us all to find 15-20 hours of time to block off for studying. All you could hear was gasps from the room. People began saying "I don't have that many empty blocks of time" and "that isn't possible" or "how could I do that when my days are full?" The instructor allowed for this processing time. She took in every look of horror on the faces of these very young twentyish year old students while telling us to continue to work on it. Then she said... you might have to give something up. What?! Give something up? As you can imagine the world has seemly revolved around most of us as we grew up. Our parents changed their schedules to join our sporting events, we planned family vacations around part time jobs of the teens and we went home from college on our breaks not when our parents wanted us to. Now, this instructor was asking us to give something up to study. HA! 

The class worked on this for what seemed like hours. The instructor then said to us as a class "In order to fully succeed at this University you will have to make adaptations to your current life. That means you will have to cross some of the items on your sheet out in order to make time for this new learning. Once you decide what you might need to change or eliminate in your weekly schedule you must change the words to STUDY. The word study must be in bold and all capital letters. This word should be written in sharpie so you do not erase the word and change it to something else." 

Of course the class discussion went on, reality hit and life was not going to go on as it once was for most of us. Fast-forward to 2020 when in the middle of a pandemic I decided that I would register for a Masters Program through Saint Mary's University. Not only in the middle of a pandemic, but also as a mother of three very active boys ages 10, 12 and 15, while working full time and being a wife to my amazing husband.

Before registering we had a family meeting. We discussed as a family we would need to decide if I would be registering for my Masters Program. I could not make this decision alone. In the back of my head I was working through the spreadsheet, just as I did as a freshman in college. Only this time I was noticing that from the age of 19 to the age of 39 the empty cells in my spreadsheet were few and far between. I had cells filled with sports, birthday parties, carpool, helping my children with homework, making lunches and packing backpacks, spending time with my children, date night with my husband, family vacations, girls nights, work, taking care of our parents, drivers education and all of lives events that just pop up in between. 

I didn't need to explain the activity above to my family. What we needed to discuss as a family was that we are a team. Our team would have to make adaptations in order for this to work. We all needed to be on the same page about what this would look like and how it will impact every single one of us. 

I listed my adaptations and expectations to my family. I would need to get up early to work on my school work before they all woke up. This is my best thinking time and a time that would be the least disruptive to our family. On the flip side my boys needed to know that at times I would need to rely on them to pick up in areas I might not be able to. I explained to them that I might be getting up early to do my work but I still needed sleep. Moms bedtime changed. It went from me putting my boys to bed when they were young to my oldest tucking me in to bed at night. Wow, how the tables have turned. I explained that I want them to have the least impact when it comes to summer fun, getting to and from sports or spending time with friends and family. In order to do that we all needed to step it up and pitch in when asked. At this time in my life I have never been more thankful that my boys have been a part of the dinner making process. One really tough day a few weeks ago my husband and I came home to smoked ribs fresh off the smoker. Talk about a surprise. It was on that day that I realized we are all adapting and we will be okay! 

Reflecting back upon my freshman year of college, it was rather simple to cross off Greys Anatomy and Desperate House Wives or cancel a Friday night game of cards. It was just me. I could adapt to reach my end goal, graduation. Now, with a family of five and a full time career, it takes a little more intentionality and open communication. I am thankful that we had a family meeting prior and came up with a few ground rules to support this process. I believe that I didn't need to bust out a spreadsheet for my pre-teen children but rather that they are seeing our family work and adapt to the time we have and the tasks that need to be accomplished by all of us. I believe that we are all learning life lessons and furthering our education in this process. My education might be formal and theirs might be life skills but in the end aren't they both important? It is my hope that my boys are at the age where they will remember this crazy time in our lives and use the skills when they have families of their own.

There have been many times that we have to make tough decisions about activities we might want to attend. It often leads to discussions on needs vs wants and what the domino effect might be. When this happens I catch myself singing the song below in my head. Music centers me. Music can speak what I might not be able to put into words. Adaptations and choices often feel like "do this, don't do that" which then leads to an evaluation of needs vs wants and in turn helps me (and our family) make decisions that will be best for all of us.